La violence, Psychologie

Are Psychopaths Actually Narcissists?

Anyone who has been unfortunate enough to encounter a sociopath will tell you that sociopaths are the most selfish people on the planet. They care literally nothing for other people. All they truly care about is what they want. Seeming to have no genuine feelings of their own, the sociopath is like an empty machine which can only fill it’s own wants and endlessly hunger for more. This is not so different from the way the pathological narcissist behaves. So how similar are they? What’s the difference? 

The Science

Both sociopaths and narcissists suffer from what is called « the narcissistic wound. » This is the defining injury to the psyche which occurred during the young sociopath or narcissist’s development. It is the trauma or series of traumas that made them what they are.

In the narcissist, the trauma(s) occurred aftersome emotions developed but before regulation of these emotions or empathy was learned. Therefore, we could say the narcissist suffers from « too much » emotion, rather than not enough. The emotions he does possess are out of control and unregulated because he is unable to control them, much the same way a very young child is unable. The narcissist’s emotions are all self-focused however – again like a very young child – and if he possesses empathy at all, it is generally maladaptive and dysfunctional. His few emotions are simply too important; they are the focus of his entire being. It is for this reason that he is unable to empathize with other people. Other people just don’t matter as much as how he feels.

In the sociopath, the narcissistic wound occurred before any truly genuine feelings developed at all. Therefore, for all intents and purposes, the sociopath has no real feelings. These feelings have never developed and they never will. There is no empathy, dysfunctional or otherwise – even for himself. He may feel primitive variants of fear or anger (the kind all animals feel to ensure self-preservation, like fight-or-flight), but many sociopaths don’t even feel those. There is literally nothing there. They only feel « physical feelings, » such as when something feels good to the body and they can become addicted to these things because it is the only experience they have with « real » feelings. This is the dynamic we see at play with serial murderers and sociopaths that are adrenaline junkies.

The Difference

In relating to other human beings, there are some differences between the sociopath and the narcissist, and there are many similarities. The main difference seems to be in interpersonal relationships. The pathological narcissist and the antisocial personality are both manipulators and both wear masks. However, the narcissist needs other people very much. The sociopath does not. Unencumbered as he is by the emotional baggage carried around by the narcissist, the sociopath can play out a role for a very extended period of time if he must. He can derive private satisfaction from his wrongdoings, without relying on external validation of how powerful he is. This is something the narcissist has a lot of trouble with; his true self always comes through in the end, because it demands acknowledgment and it demands satisfaction – loudly. His end goal is purely selfish. The sociopath’s goals are selfish as well, but they do not rely on the validation of others. Because of this, his ego does not come in to play the same way the narcissist’s ego does and the sociopath can remain « hidden » for far longer. In fact, unless he makes a very serious mistake (which is rare but does happen), he may never be revealed. 

The difference between sociopaths and narcissists then, is one of degrees. We could say that a sociopath is an « end stage narcissist. » When narcissism is taken to the nth degree and the personality is so self-involved and self-focused that literally the only feelings which may occur are those aimed at making the self feel good, you have a sociopath. This is why there is so much overlap: sociopaths arenarcissists. Many narcissists have antisocial tendencies as well.

The Theory

In healthy people, there is a level of narcissism but it is not pathological. That means that it isn’t inflexible. Healthy narcissism does not demand that others worship, revere, admire or give things to the person just because the person wants these things. Healthy narcissism does not scream that it’s being oppressed or abused just because the person can’t have what they want. People with healthy amounts of narcissism do not insist that others go without so that they can have more. People with healthy amounts of narcissism do not insist that you must set yourself on fire to keep them warm – and that if you won’t, you are abusive and uncaring.

This graphic shows the whole narcissistic spectrum for human emotion and personality. As we can see, cluster B personality disorders are grouped beneath « pathological narcissism. »

As seen in the above graphic, there is a theory which postulates that all cluster B personality disorders sit on a « pathological narcissistic spectrum. » This is a theory which carries a lot of weight. The cluster B personality disorders are: histrionic, borderline, narcissistic and antisocial. If we were to envision the spectrum of malignant narcissism to start at histrionic personality disorder and end with sociopathy, we can see that there is indeed quite a bit of validity to this theory.

Note that this particular spectrum does not encompass all narcissism, as the first one did. This second graphic measures malignantnarcissism, or pathological narcissism. All of the cluster B personality disorders express some type of pathological narcissism. The further down on the spectrum someone is placed, the worse the pathological narcissism is, until we arrive at Antisocial Personality Disorder, which is the complete absence of empathy or conscience.

Notice that there is not a large gap between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder. This is because there is a great deal of overlap in these. It is interesting to note that most of the cluster B disorder do occur in « clusters; » that is, they rarely exist on their own. There is almost always another cluster B personality disorder that is co-morbid. Many people will be diagnosed with HPD, NPD and BPD. Or they may be diagnosed with BPD, NPD and APD. This is another signal that the « narcissistic spectrum » theory is right on the money.

There is more than one type of sociopath and another interesting thing to note is that the further down the spectrum a person is placed, the fewer symptoms of the other cluster B personality disorders are present. You wouldn’t expect a sociopath to go into the hysterical tizzies that Borderline Personality Disorder is famous for, and most of them don’t. This can probably be attributed to sociopaths having no true emotions. If a sociopath were to have such an emotional outburst, it would serve you well to investigate if it’s an act first, before concluding that it’s genuine. It probably isn’t. Histrionics, Borderlines and Narcissists feel cheated, overlooked and discarded by the rest of the world. The sociopath just doesn’t look at things that way. As the quintessential narcissist, it is impossible for the true sociopath to feel anything about or for other people at all. This usually includes anger.

The idea that sociopaths are « mad at the world » is interesting but really a misnomer; they feel nothing for the world or the people in it. The difference between this and the narcissist is that the sociopath generally feels nothing for himself either, whereas the narcissist feels onlyfor himself 95% of the time. Most sociopaths don’t fear death, illness or injury (whereas many narcissists fear these things greatly). This could be because – as some experts have stated – sociopaths are never even really alive in terms of human existence. 

The Conclusion

If we follow the spectrum, we see that the focus on the self increases like a balloon being inflated more and more until it reaches a frenzied, unsustainable importance in Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Then we hit Antisocial Personality Disorder and it is as if the balloon bursts. The focus has become sonarrow that not even the self can fit into it. It is as if rather than being a slave to the hungry, selfish, malfunctioning ego – as the histrionic, borderline and narcissist are – the sociopath becomes the hungry, selfish, malfunctioning ego. The narcissist, histrionic and borderline are miserable because they are forever trying to silence and appease the ego but they still exist outside of it. The sociopath is the ego; he is empty but does not feel miserable because those kinds of more « evolved » feelings exist outside of the primitive desire and selfishness of the ego, and he does not.

Since all sociopaths are « end stage » narcissists, we can therefore conclude that sociopaths are in fact narcissists and that narcissists are in fact « lesser » sociopaths.

La violence, Psychologie

How Narcissists Are Created

The Little Shaman is a spiritual coach & a specialist in Cluster B personality disorders. Schedule an appointment today!

We’ve heard a lot about the abuse and destruction that pathological narcissists are capable of, but what it is less-often discussed is how narcissists are created in the first place. This is something people ask all the time, so let’s get right into it.

The Why

The article « Are Psychopaths Actually Narcissists? » goes into a lot of detail about the narcissistic wound and how important that is to the creation of the pathological narcissist, so we will just summarize that briefly here. The narcissistic wound is basically the trauma or series of traumas that happened to the person which made them into a narcissist. It is the defining psychological injury which occurred during the narcissist’s development. This is usually at a very, very young age. For the narcissist, the trauma or traumas occurred after the emotions developed but before regulation of these emotions or empathy was learned. This would be around the time they were a toddler. The closer down the scale the narcissist is to a psychopath, the earlier in development we can assume the trauma happened or began.

Things like empathy and self-control do have to be learned. They are not innate. If a person is never taught these skills, they will never have them. Therefore, we could say that many narcissists suffer from « too much » emotion, rather than not enough – even though they may seem to have none. The emotions they do possess are out of control and unregulated because they are unable to control the emotions in a normal way, much the same way a very young child is unable. The narcissist’s emotions are all self-focused however – again like a very young child – and if they have any empathy at all, it is generally dysfunctional. The few emotions they do have are simply too important; they are the focus of the narcissist’s entire being. To the narcissist, feelings are facts. Feelings are everything. It is for this reason that they are unable to empathize with other people when their own emotions are involved in the situation. Other people just don’t matter as much as how they feel.

The How: Neglect & Abandonment 

So what could have caused the narcissistic wound? It could be many things but often, it is abuse of some kind. There may be sexual or physical abuse in the narcissist’s past. One of the key elements we often see with narcissists is neglect – either emotional or physical. We find that the narcissist’s parents were often unavailable, either emotionally or physically. One of the parents may also be a narcissist of some kind; this is not uncommon and would certainly fall into the category of an emotionally unavailable parent. Because the child’s needs are ignored by the parents, the child begins to hyperfocus on their own needs in self-defense.

All children are narcissistic in nature, but with the narcissist, at the time during development when the child’s parents should be guiding the child’s attention outside of themselves to learn empathy and concern for the world around them, the soon-to-be-narcissist only becomes more focused inside, on themselves. There often is no guide for the narcissist. They are ignored and left alone to teach themselves. They have only themselves to rely on and this becomes a pathological situation where, though they grow older and gain adult intelligence and experience, the emotions and ego never mature beyond this point.

The problem becomes compounded as they grow older and continue to reach out to the parent for guidance, love, validation or approval only to be ignored and rejected. They are often only noticed when they act out, or when they achieve something extra-special. This is especially true in situations where there is a narcissistic parent and the child is used by the parent to make the parent look good, or where the child is only treated nicely in front of others. This creates a reward cycle where the child continues these behaviors to get attention the only way they’ve been taught they can.

The result of all these things is that they create a person who believes nobody loves them, that nobody can be trusted because everybody is fake. Their brain screams these things at them 24 hours a day, even as adults. Narcissists have a brutal superego that spits abuse at them nonstop. Nobody loves you, nobody likes you, you’re stupid, you’re fat, you’re ugly, you’re worthless, you’re garbage… on and on and on. This happens because if a child’s parents reject them, the child begins to believe something must be very wrong with them. Children are narcissistic, remember. If something happens in their lives, they believe it is because of them. If you notice, this is the same way adult narcissists behave. Many narcissists were also actually told these things by their parents, and it just plays over and over in their mind 24 hours a day. In the article « Why Narcissists Abuse, » this was covered at length. They have been neglected and rejected by their parents and it creates a situation where they believe they are worthless and defective. That in turn creates a person who believes that everyone in the world is just out for themselves and therefore no one will look out for them if they don’t. It creates a person who believes that you only give in order to get something in return. In fact, many narcissists will straight tell you that if you ask them. They insist that everyone acts like that, that everyone uses people and only gives when they want something in return. This is of course a justification for their own behavior, but in a very real way, they believe that. It’s what they’ve been taught: other people only matter what they can do something for you – and you only matter when you can do something for them.

Do you think narcissists are to blame for their behavior?

The How: Indulgence & Entitlement

Neglect alone can be enough to create a narcissist but we also usually find another key element in the development of a narcissist, and that is indulgence. You might think that neglecting a child and spoiling a child cannot occur together, but they certainlycan.

Example I: Little Jane’s parents are never home. They work all the time. Jane cries and begs for her parents’ time but they are too tired and too frazzled to give her. When they are not at work, they are sleeping or trying to relax because they are so exhausted, they don’t want to be bothered. When Jane complains that she never sees them or feels like they don’t care about her, she is told she is wrong or that her parents’ jobs are very important. This both invalidates her feelings and tells her that she is less important than the other things her parents are doing. Jane plays by herself all the time and waits for her parents to come spend time with her. She is a very sad, lonely little girl. 

Jane’s parents feel guilty that they are always pushing her aside for work or because they are so tired. Instead of actually spending time with her, which would take real effort, they try to make up for it by always giving Jane whatever she wants whenever they are with her, regardless of how she behaves. They are too tired to deal with tantrums and they feel guilty, so they give in. This does not stop Jane from feeling abandoned (a KEY feature in narcissism, especially Borderline Personality Disorder) and it does not teach her to turn her focus outward instead of inward, but it DOES teach her that she can have whatever she wants. She begins to equate being given things with love and so it creates a situation where whenever someone tells her she cannot have something, this feels to her as if they are telling her they don’t love her. This hurts her very badly. It also angers her furiously because she has been taught that she deserves whatever she wants just because she wants it. She explodes and rages in grief and anger every time she is told « no. » She is never encouraged or helped to mature and learn to take care of herself. Jane’s parents have created a narcissist with their neglect and indulgence.

Example II: Little Johnny’s mother is a narcissist. He is ignored almost all of the time because his mother is too caught up in her own problems, and his father locks himself in a bedroom whenever he is at home because he cannot deal with Johnny’s mother’s behavior. Johnny does not understand why his mother is angry all the time, but he learns to avoid her and take care of himself. She seems to be angry at him, and he receives a lot of verbal and emotional abuse from her and from his father. When he comes to them with problems, he is ignored, dismissed or even laughed at. The only time they is nice to him or notice him is when other people are around. His mother is given to fits of hysteria; she cries a lot and is often overtly suicidal. When Johnny talks about these things later, he is told he is imagining things or that he is lying or crazy. 

Johnny’s mother’s constant denial and his father’s endorsement of it, along with his support of everything the mother does – even when it is blatantly wrong – invalidate Johnny’s feelings to the point that he learns not trust his own feelings or perception. Johnny’s parents never tell him they love him or validate him emotionally in any way, but they do give him whatever he wants. The father does it because he feels guilty and the mother does it because she wants other people to see the things her son has. In her mind, this is proof she is a good mother. As with Jane, Johnny begins to equate being given things with love. It also teaches him that he deserves whatever he wants. He has never been able to mature out of a toddler’s way of looking at things. His parents have simply reinforced it, rather than enabling him to grow out of it. He is never encouraged or helped to mature and learn to take care of himself. Johnny’s parents have created a narcissist with their neglect, abuse and indulgence.

Neither Johnny or Jane have a guide through their development. They are on their own, wandering and trying to figure things out for themselves. Because of this, they are never taught the things people need to know to mature and as a consequence, they don’t mature. They are simply stuck, with no way to bridge the gap between their age and their emotional development. As they get older, this gap becomes more and more noticeable, and more and more of a problem. They don’t realize they are the problem because they have always been that way. It is difficult to notice a problem when something has always been the same. The disorder was « created » by their brain to protect them from the trauma of abuse and neglect, but what protects the child impedes the adult. Behavior that is acceptable in children is notacceptable in adults, but narcissists have not matured enough to be able to change it. And by the time they are adults, they don’t see any reason to. The disordered thinking is so entrenched in their mind that they believe they are right, even when they know they are wrong. You can show a narcissist all the logical, tangible evidence in the world and if it contradicts how they feel, it won’t matter. They either can’t or won’t recognize the problems in their own behavior. If they ever do see these problems, there is always a reason why it is someone else’s fault.

This « helplessness » is also very childish. Children are not the masters of their own destiny and adult narcissists do not seem to feel they are, either. They seem to view themselves as helpless children in a world of domineering, oppressive adults – or, conversely, as needing to become the most domineering, most oppressive person around in order to protect themselves, like a schoolyard bully. Even the manipulations they employ against people and the lies they tell are often very childish; they are the types of things children would do to each other, or use on a parent to try to get their way. Narcissists can easily be thought of as 2 year olds in adult bodies, because that is what you are dealing with: a person with adult intelligence and experience who has the emotional capability and control of a toddler. There is a huge disconnect here in their minds and this creates some very specific problems in their thinking and with their reasoning. These things are very hard to overcome. If the person is also unwilling to try or unable to even see it, overcoming them then becomes impossible.

The Conclusion: A Recipe For Disaster

So, there you have it. The recipe to create a narcissist is neglect and indulgence. If you alternately ignore, invalidate and spoil a child, you will likely create a dysfunctional, empty, angry person who is not only unable to see or care about anything except for their own feelings, but who also believes they are entitled to absolutely anything they want and is unable to deal with the frustration that results from not getting it. Narcissists are lost, sad, crippled, empty children walking around the world with nowhere to be and no one to care about. Prisons and psych wards are full of them. It’s a terrible, crushing disorder that completely ruins lives.

The best way to combat this disorder is to be a good mother or a good father. Spend time with your kids. Listen to them. Validate them. Don’t try to talk them out of their feelings. The world is in the midst of an epidemic of narcissism right now. We have to try to reverse it before it’s too late.

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La Santé Mentale, Psychologie, Santé

9 Warning Signs That You Are Emotionally and Mentally Exhausted

You wake up every morning to the realization that you are living  a crazy, busy, overwhelming life!

Perhaps it is your job, a family situation, coworkers, a difficult relationship, or even a bad habit that you have allowed into your life.

All you do is hold onto the hope that maybe things will change on their own. But they don’t – and they keep getting worse.

Be careful! Your lack of proactive action may result in mental and emotional exhaustion – also referred to as a burn-out.

Below are 9 warning signs that you are emotionally and mentally exhausted.

1.) You Are Completely Exhausted – All the Time

When you wake up in the morning, you already feel exhausted…like you haven’t slept in days.

Just the idea of getting out of bed and going to work makes you feel fatigued and emotional.

This kind of exhaustion isn’t just physical; it is also mental. 

Your personality isn’t there anymore. When you are in public, you have to paint on a smile and fake a laugh just to look like you are enjoying yourself.

All you want to do is curl up in bed and do something that requires 0% effort.

You don’t care about the things that once made you happy because you are too tired to put in the effort.

Related Post: 5 Signs Your Relationship Is Absolutely Toxic

2.) You get irritated very quickly

Everything seems to get on your nerves!

The little things that use to “slightly” bother you now seem monumental and unbearable. 

Perhaps it is a sarcastic comment, a coworkers bad habit, a child’s constant questions, a spouse’s remark, the tone of someone’s voice, or even the way they eat their food.

It sends you over the edge! A cloud of gloom and anger sets in and all you want to do is take it out on everyone else!

As the days pass, it becomes a pattern of you becoming increasingly irritated and upset at those around you.

3.) You Start Experiencing the Symptoms of Anxiety

First of all, let me state that anxiety is very normal! It affects more than 40 million adults in the United States, and you may be one of them.

According to Mental Health Gateway, feeling of anxiety is characterized by feelings of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.

These feelings seem to come out of nowhere!

Your mind is racing and full of overwhelming thoughts, your chest is tight and heavy, and you feel overwhelmed with uncontrollable emotions. 

The positive thing about anxiety is that it can be a guiding force in your life – showing you what your limits are and forcing you not to put yourself in unhealthy situations.

Whenever you start to feel anxiety creeping in, try to identify what started it. Work to remedy the problem or find a way to quiet your mind, so you can learn to live with the situation in a peaceful way.

Related Article: 12 Successful Tips To Help You Manage Your Anxiety

4.) You Are Having Health Problems

…severe headaches, gut problems, constipation, acid reflux, chest pain, neck pain, etc.

You may find yourself clenching your jaw or having trouble breathing.

These symptoms are your body’s normal response to consistent stress. It is signaling that you need to make a lifestyle change!

Your body knows that over long period of time, chronic stress can take a debilitating toll on a person’s health. The longer you stay in unhealthy circumstances, your body will continue to have worsening symptoms.

It is important for you to listen to your body! Find a way to deal with the stress and anxiety that your body is currently under.

Otherwise, your health symptoms may turn into a heart disease, diabetes, obesity, depression, or a gastrointestinal problem – all directly related to stress!

Related Article: 11 Easy Changes That Will Improve Your Health

5.) You Have Trouble Sleeping At Night

You are absolutely exhausted!

And yet, as soon as you crawl into bed, your mind turns on and you can’t get to sleep!

You lay there, staring at the ceiling, thinking about all the things that are stressing you out. You can’t stop!

This situation causes many people to unfortunately get addicted to sleep aids.

You should be getting 7-8 hours of sleep every night, but your can’t. As your sleep deprivation catches up with you, you become increasingly irritable and depressed.

Take action to start creating healthy evening habits that encourage a good night’s sleep. This article will help you build these habits.

Related Article: 12 Easy Nighttime Habits for Better Sleep

6.) You Just Don’t Care Anymore

…at least about the things you once used to. Your motivation to get things done is at 0%.

Perhaps your job performance is declining. Your once very clean home is now a complete mess. Your eating habits have become unhealthy and you continue to eat poorly. Or perhaps you don’t take care of your appearance like you used to.

Your life is too full of anxiety to even care anymore. You say “No” to your friends invitations and become detached from the things you once loved.

Take a good, hard look at your life. You need to stop and relax!

Take some much-needed “you-time”. You and your well-being need to be made a priority!

Identify the things that destroy your joy and try to eliminate them as quickly as possible. You must find ways  build happiness and purpose back into your life.

Related Article: 7 Steps to Successfully Remove Toxic People from Your Life

7.) Sometimes, you start crying for “no reason”

The thing is, you are crying for many reasons.

You are at a loss for what to do! You feel trapped in your life and the circumstances that you are surrounded with.

This is a sign that you are emotionally exhausted. The smallest thing makes you want to burst into tears!

Breath deeply and try to focus on something positive.

If you need to cry, go ahead and cry! Sometimes, tears have a way of releasing built-up emotions.

8.) Your Relationship are Starting to Suffer

As your stress levels continue to rise, you may start to respond to your friends and family in a negative way.

Perhaps you are becoming increasingly argumentative and negative. Or maybe you are withdrawing from the world, preferring to be all alone by yourself.

While it is normal to occasionally experience negative emotions, you must identify when these emotions are destroying your happiness and chasing away the people you love.

Family and friends are there to help you through the hard times, but they aren’t there to continuously allow you to treat them in an uncaring way.

If you start to notice your friends distancing themselves from you, you must take action to find a way through.

Otherwise, it will create a vicious cycle of negativity that will leave you depressed and alone.

Related Article: 

9.) You have a feeling of hopelessness

This is the hardest place to be! When you feel like there is nothing you can do to improve your circumstances.

When people are depressed or exhausted, they tend to focus on themselves and all the difficulty they are experiencing. By doing so, they become overwhelmed with all the negative things they are experiencing and forget to look around and see the positive things that do exist.

Once you reach mental and physical exhaustion, you feel like things are never going to change. This is it! This is going to be the rest of your life.

Know there is always hope, no matter where you are!

When things start feeling hopeless, seek professional help. Go to a therapist or a medical professional.

There are a lot of mental health resources out there – take advantage of them!

You owe it to yourself to take a break!

First, you must identify what is causing your stress. If possible, eliminate it from your life. Maybe you need to quit your job or break off a relationship.

If you can’t, seek professional help to try to remedy the cause of the stress.

It will take time to allow your body to unwind and relax, but you must work hard to get your health and happiness back!

If you have any questions about this article, just let us know in the comment section below! We’d be happy to help you out!

La violence

How To Deal With A Narcissist – 6 Ways Strong People Outsmart Them

Posted on: July 16, 2018 at 1:41 pm 

Last updated: July 24, 2018 at 1:14 pm 

No one likes a narcissist, except for narcissists themselves of course. They can be extremely difficult to deal with and most people can’t cope with their extreme behavior. There are, however, some strong individuals who are better equipped to deal with narcissists and can outsmart them at every turn. Here’s how they do it.

What Is Narcissism?

Narcissism is a tendency to think very highly of yourself and have little regard for others (1). There are varying degrees of narcissism, but no matter how bad someone has it, one thing’s for sure – it will eventually become apparent to the people around them.

6 Ways Strong People Outsmart Narcissists

1. They Don’t Take The Blame


Narcissists often place blame on others in order to satisfy their need to feel superior (2). A strong person has no problem owning up to their wrongdoing, but they never accept the blame when they know they’re innocent (3).

If a narcissist is trying to blame you for something they did shut them down right away and put them in their place.

2. They Aren’t Naïve

One defining feature of a narcissist’s personality is their manipulative nature, which they use in an effort to take advantage of others and get ahead (4). Strong people aren’t as easily fooled by a narcissist’s tricks. They are extremely aware of themselves and don’t hesitate to get rid of fake people (3).

Don’t be afraid to question a narcissist’s motives, you’ll end up getting screwed over if you don’t.

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3. They Are Confident

A telltale sign of a narcissist is that they take advantage of others to reach their own goals (4). Strong people know themselves well and are aware of their strengths, which means they aren’t easily brought down (3).

If a narcissist is trying to bring you down for their benefit don’t let them walk all over you. Stand up for yourself and for what’s right.


4. They Aren’t Afraid of Confrontation

Closet narcissists have different personas and act like a completely different person in public than they do in private (5). Strong people have no trouble calling out disrespectful behavior, regardless of who they are in front of (3).

If a narcissist is treating you badly make sure to put them in their place, otherwise their malicious behavior will continue.

5. They Don’t Let Their Guard Down

One manipulation tactic that narcissists use is convincing their victims of a false future together (3). Strong people don’t fall for this tactic because they don’t drop their guard down right away and firmly believe that actions speak louder than words (3).

Don’t let a narcissist talk their way into your heart – let their actions show you who they really are.

6. They Recognize When Their Emotions Are Getting Played


Narcissists have their manipulation tactics down pat and usually play the victim when they’re caught in the act (3). Strong people don’t get fooled into feeling sorry for someone who is in the wrong, regardless of whether or not tears are involved (3).

If you’re mad because of something a narcissist did, don’t let them convince you that your feelings are invalid or that they deserve sympathy.

There you have it, 6 ways that strong people outsmart narcissists at every turn. Hopefully, now you’re better equipped to deal with a narcissic


5 phrases à apprendre aux enfants pour calmer leur colère (+ attitudes parentales)

La colère est une émotion intense qui submerge les enfants, déconnectant les fonctions supérieures de leur cerveau (cortex préfrontal) et les privant ainsi de leur capacité d’apprentissage et de raisonnement. C’est l’immaturité de leur cerveau qui les empêche de « garder le contrôle »  et ils ont donc besoin de nous pour s’apaiser. Voici quelques idées pour les aider.

Cet article est scindé en deux parties : les phrases pour les enfants et les attitudes parentales pour faciliter la traversée de la colère. J’ai également complété par quelques liens utiles sur la colère et la gestion émotionnelle en général.

Introduction  : L’immaturité du cerveau des enfants expliquée par Catherine Gueguen

5 phrases à apprendre aux enfants

Voici 5 phrases à apprendre aux enfants. Elles contiennent des techniques simples pour apaiser la colère :

  1. « Je ressens la colère » « j’accueille la colère »
    Cette phrase est importante car elle diminue l’intensité de l’émotion. Les neurosciences ont démontré en effet que la verbalisation émotionnelle permettait à l’amygdale (dans le cerveau archaïque décrit par Catherine Gueguen) de se calmer.
    La phrase « j’accueille la colère » permet de se libérer de la colère. L’idéal est de prendre une longue inspiration en écartant les bras pour l’accueillir pleinement et d’expirer pour s’en libérer.
  2. « J’ai besoin d’un câlin » « J’ai besoin qu’on m’écoute » « j’ai besoin de boire » « J’ai besoin de bouger »
    Les câlins provoquent la production d’ocytocine dans le cerveau. Celle-ci calme l’amygdale. Ils peuvent bien-sûr être utilisés à titre préventif. 🙂La phrase « j’ai besoin… » invite l’enfant à se concentrer sur son besoin insatisfait du moment. C’est ce besoin qui a déclenché ou qui est en train de déclencher la colère. De plus, cette façon de parler permet une première approche de la communication non-violente, une méthode qui facilite grandement les rapports sociaux et l’épanouissement (voir cet article).
  3. « 1,2,3,4,5 » (inspiration) « 1,2,3,4,5 » (expiration)
    En pensant à ces chiffres et en respirant, l’enfant agit en pleine conscience et diminue sa fréquence cardiaque (qui a accéléré automatiquement avec la montée de la colère). Cela calme aussi le mental qui a tendance à s’emballer avant la colère.
  4. « Je ferme les yeux et je passe mes mains sous l’eau froide » : la colère augmente la température du bout des doigts (et celle du corps). Le fait de passer sa main sous l’eau froide va donc indiquer au cerveau que la situation s’améliore et que le « danger » est écarté. Boire un verre d’eau est également efficace. Il est important de comprendre que le cerveau agit sur le corps et inversement.
  5. « Sérénité » : en vous entrainant au calme avec votre enfant, vous pouvez créer un ancrage positif associé à la prononciation d’un mot. Ce mot deviendra le déclencheur d’un état d’apaisement. Comme une programmation.
    Pour que l’ancrage fonctionne, il est nécessaire de le répéter souvent pendant les moments où l’enfant se sent parfaitement en sécurité et zen. Faites-lui remarquer ces instants. Répétez le mot « sérénité » pour le « charger » d’émotions agréables.
    Vous pouvez aussi fabriquer un talisman avec inscrit au centre « sérénité ». L’enfant le touchera ou y pensera pour s’apaiser.

Attitudes parentales pour aider les enfants à traverser leur colère

  • Parlez calmement sans hausser le ton. Crier sur un enfant en colère ne sert à rien, au contraire car les cris bloquent le cerveau encore plus et les émotions sont contagieuses. Donc gardez votre calme (en utilisant une des techniques de cet article si besoin)
  • Mettez-vous au niveau de votre enfant dans une attitude bienveillante (baissez-vous). L’attitude bienveillante est facilitée quand on se dit « Il a besoin de moi. La colère le submerge. Je suis là. Je veux l’aider à la traverser. »
  • Si la crise de colère est intense, tenez-le fermement contre vous afin qu’il ne se blesse pas. De plus, ce contact l’apaisera au bout d’un moment (effet de l’ocytocine).
Phrases à dire

Les phrases suivantes permettent de faciliter la verbalisation émotionnelle et d’apaiser l’enfant.

« Je suis là. « 

« Je t’aime. »

« Je t’écoute. »

« Tu es en sécurité. »

« Je vois que tu es en colère. Tu veux bien me dire ce qui se passe ? »

« Cela te blesse lorsque [décrire la situation]. Je comprends. Je suis là pour t’écouter. On se sent mieux lorsqu’on en a parlé. »

« Oui, cela est frustrant quand [décrire la situation]. Je te comprends. Comment puis-je t’aider à te sentir mieux ? »

« Tu dois avoir une bonne raison pour te mettre en colère. Je pourrais t’aider si tu m’en parles. »

« Je ne parviens pas à me concentrer lorsque tu cries ainsi. Peux-tu parler normalement s’il-te-plait ? »

« J’ai remarqué que tu avais claqué la porte. Tu as l’air énervé. Que se passe-t-il ? »

« J’ai confiance en toi. Je sais que tu vas trouver une solution pour sortir de cette colère. Je suis là pour t’écouter si tu as besoin. »

« Je me sens triste de te voir aussi énervé. J’aimerais pouvoir t’aider. Dis-moi ce que je peux faire. »

Plus d’outils pour les colères des enfants  ?

Le dragon de la colère : une astuce pour aider l’enfant à prévenir ses colères

Astuce : La balle absorbe-colère

15 Outils astucieux pour aider les enfants à gérer leurs émotions (+ infos utiles)